The Bullshit Times

When I fist split with Z-List it was my best friend JD more than anyone else that provided me with the support I needed to get me through daily life. She is an absolute gem. Without her I would undoubtedly be fucked!

I stumbled upon this pearler buried deep in my email inbox this morning and it made me chuckle... I remember how we laughed at this for weeks and how laughter really is the best medicine and she is the best administer of that laughter. I love her and am truly thankful for her friendship.

She wrote this... I have changed only the names and some details that would make anonymity pointless. Enjoy x

The Bullshit Times can exclusively reveal that '***' from Sky1 and Sky3's recently axed 'Road Wars'  – has recently allowed his girlfriend of four and half years to move out of their Thatcham love nest to a secluded private location over the border into Hampshire. Rumour within the force, where ****** now works on the Dog Section, would suggest that ***, real name ****** '*******' ******, has been
romantically linked to fellow officer and trollop, ****** '*******' ******. The imaginatively nicknamed duo have been romantically linked as far back as September, however love rat ****** denies any wrong doing claiming there was nothing in it. When confronted with his 30 page 1000 text message mobile phone
bill to the still married mother of two '*******', *** still denied any romantic involvement insisting to Welsh beauty, Missy Welsh, that he was fond of ****** but that she was involved with someone else who was her boyfriend not her husband or the father of her children.

'******' added further insult to injury with a barrage of facebook status updates and overly flirty back and forth comments with the suggestively profile pictured '******' and stooped to new lows of disrespect and disregard for the bilingual lovely Welshs' feelings by revealing a 'relationship' with the despicable ******.

Welsh, now 29, gave up everything and left her small welsh village to be with '***',  some four months into their relationship. Testing times followed for Missy as her new love, ******, failed to help her settle in to her then new home and surroundings. Finding friendship and solace in new pals from both work and college, Missy was as committed to making her relationship work as ****** was in ultimately ending it.

So as Welsh born Berkshire beauty Missy moves into the middle of arse raping nowhere, her friends stand united and will watch and wait to see the newly named Daddy ****** try to make the best of a bad-un in serial cheater ****** '*******' *****.

* Z-List
* The Trollop

Making a plan...

I'm an on/off blogger aren't I. Some days I feel I can write and ramble non-stop... other days I'm barely able to function in the real world let alone write anything of value.

You'll all know of the turmoil I've faced since my split with Z-List... I'm not even sure just how much I've revealed but the gist of it is that he did a bad thing, treated me quite appallingly and it broke my heart.

Fifteen months on and there's still not a day where I've not thought about him. It's not that I love him still... that went a long time ago... but the hurt remains just as raw and it still kills me even now.

There has been a 'Thing' looming and that was my test... how would I cope? Turns out quite well. I've had long enough to prepare myself for it and think out every scenario possible.

He is now a father... the woman that he wasn't having an affair with fell pregnant very quickly into their (official) relationship and now he's got a complete family. She came with two young children from a failed marriage and now they all live (I imagine) happily in their new home having finally moved out of mine.

I should be able to move on... but sadly I can't. I'm stuck in a limbo of distrust and sadness and I have absolutely no idea how to get out of it. The past year has been a bit of a blur... I've given up with my University course... something I worked so very hard for became even harder in reality... it was an incredibly emotional course and sadly I wasn't quite strong enough to deal with it... I'm also financially fucked... so it's back to work and on the payroll... get myself back to the career I thought I'd left behind. The money is good and it'll sustain me at least until I know where I'm going with my life.

I'm desperate to get myself back to being the true Missy... I'm not far off... I'm most definitely getting there... I just need a plan...  I like a plan as much as I like a list... I've not made many lists this past year which is quite unlike me... but... I've started making them again and actually crossing things off... the 'TO DO' lists are getting done... I'm on my way back... Hurrah!

So here we go... I've got a couple of days off work... I'm working hard on finding a new job and the hunt is on for a new housemate... I'll be ok... just not today x

I've had a date that wasn't disastrous... I was pleasantly surprised by just how un-disastrous it was and look forward to seeing him again. He'll be a good influence on me I think and that can only be a good thing eh!

The Welsh One

So you're up to speed now on how things sadly ended with The Bloke. I'm still sad about this... I really liked him and sadly I hadn't realised how much until it was too late. Bugger!

I still text him... more to make a nuisance of myself than anything... I know he won't change his mind and give it another go... but I'm happy to remind him he's a douche and made a rubbish decision.

So what next...? Well... there was a chap that I had been texting on/off from *dodgy fishing site* and without The Bloke or Pilot to think of I agreed to meet him at last. 

If you've not guessed from the title of the blog... He's Welsh... what's even more exciting (probably only to me) is that he is also a fluent Welsh speaker... this bumps him up a good few notches up the favourites list because I rarely get to speak to anyone in Welsh these days and having a Welsh boyfriend would've been just super.

That's not going to happen... not with this guy anyway! This is why....

First meet/date.... I drove up to Oxford to meet him... he's very recently had knee surgery and unable to drive so I'm more than willing on this occasion to make the trip to him. He lives on an RAF base somewhere in the middle of nowhere, Oxford. I get there... he meets me in the car park... we have a 30 second 'hello, nice to finally meet you' type greeting and in we go to the security office to have my photo and ID scrutinised and held on RAF database forever before I'm allowed on the base. Bit awkward and weird but I'm funny when under pressure so cracked a few gags had everyone in fits of giggles and BOOM I'm in with everyone...bahahaha!

Turns out he was driving... had a go that morning and did ok but wasn't sure doing anymore than a tour of the base would be a good idea. Not a problem... showing he has a sensible side... going well so far. I follow him back to his barracks... we drop the car off and he gives me a tour of the base... all very interesting... he thought it was a bit nerdy and boring but the chances are I'll never get to see it again so actually I quite enjoyed it.

Anyway... tour done... we hopped back into my car and went off in search of a country pub for a bite to eat and a good get to know you afternoon. Conversation flowed... we had lots in common... he's very handsome... and we're getting on great. Food done... he suggests we go into a nearby village to get a coffee and a wander... we did... again all very lovely... lots of shits and giggles... it's all grand. 

He told me 'my' joke which stunned me... a joke I'll tell anyone when there's a duck about and rarely anyone laughs... he told it to me... I'm planning our wedding! I'm not really... that's a little irony I'm throwing in for the punchline later...

Besides being Welsh... handsome and funny... he's BIG into his rugby and we seem to have a huge amount in common. The afternoon was splendid (think hard... when was the last time you heard that word) and I was in no rush to call it a day... we had got as far as holding hands and I could sense he wanted to kiss me but he hadn't tried and I wasn't leaving without a smooch so I invited myself in on the pretence I wanted to know what RAF barracks looked like. Lame as it might be... it worked. To be fair I was quite surprised... it was better accommodation than most University halls and his room was spotless. Winner!

After a bit more chatting... I finally got my snog... seriously felt like a teenager again... in the boy I fancy's bedroom waiting for him to kiss me... again it was all very lovely and he'd started to relax and we're getting on great. I stayed all evening, we just watched TV, chatted and snogged... so very 1996 :) it was lovely.

Couple of days later he's making his way to me and I'm introducing him to my Pooch... it's a big moment in any girls life when she introduces a guy to the dog because if the dog doesn't like you well you've got no chance of seeing me again. So he turns up at mine with a stunning (seriously just stunning) bouquet of hand tied flowers and a bag of doggy chews for Pablo... he's a winner for sure. I really this guy for his manners... they're very important to me... and he's picked up on this. 

We had a lovely evening... chatted some more... a few kisses and cwtches and then bed time... he's supposed to be staying in the spare room... I'd rather he stays in with me for a cwtch up. I've no intention of sexing him up... I've not waxed my legs in 6weeks... but a bedtime cwtch I am absolutely loving the idea of. He's a real gent... he's even brought his pyjamas with him... cute! So we do... he doesn't try it on... there's none of that awkwardness where he thinks he's getting a shag and all he's actually getting is a cwtch... he was happy to have a nice cwtch up and some sleepy kisses. 

So we're all good so far... sounds blissful doesn't it? Yeah I know... this is where I start counting my chickens... I'm thinking bloody hell... what a lucky girl I am to have met The Bloke, The Pilot and now The Welsh One and all of them be absolutely lovely. Well errr... yeah... there's a saying Missy... and they ain't hatched yet!

Our next meet up is the following Wednesday... I've forgotten that I've already made plans with a friend and we're supposed to be having a girly night and going to the cinema. I tell him Sunday evening that we'll have to re-arrange... he's fine with this but we're both busy every other day of the week so it's going to be Sunday the following week before I get to see him again. I'm a little bit sad about this... a week is a long time... but it can't be helped. We chat on the phone for a bit most nights... text throughout the day and play Draw Something in the evening. It's all good and I'm excited about getting to know this guy.

It all turned very sour on the Wednesday afternoon... I hadn't heard from him all day and whilst I was online checking my messages on *dodgy fishing site* he was online too so I opened up a chat box to say hello and opened with...

              Me: Hello you... is your phone broken?

               Him: No... why?

               Me: Thought it must be 'cos I've not heard from you all day

And just like that... the dream was no more. Talk about take a bit of banter the wrong way... fuck me... he went right off on one... who am I to be keeping tabs on him... i could've phoned him... if this is what I'm always going to be like then he's best calling it a day now... it was amazing... the kinda mentalist reaction you get from the boyfriend you've been seeing for years and actually hate... the one you just can't bring yourself to get rid of... yeah you know the one... he was being just like that... shocker!

I left it until the next day before dropping him a text... thinking after a day to think about what happened he'd accept that his reaction was a little on the mental side... errr seems not... It would appear that I had been pushing things and moving everything too fast... those two meetings where we'd NOT talked about marriage... NOT talked about kids... NOT talked about anything remotely 'in the future' stuff... NOT EVEN HAD SEX... I was rushing it all too much... what a fucking weirdo!

So that was the end of that one... two dates... it seems to be the standard for me... fuck it... I'm not sure if I can be arsed with it all now... we'll see eh! I honestly have no idea why I'm attracting everyone else's share of weirdos but I think it's time they all fuck off and let me find a normo now please...

The Bloke...

so i haven't blogged for ages again… sorry. 

Things have taken a turn for the worse with The Bloke… I didn't see this coming and to be fair I'm quite disappointed.

I introduced him to my best friend on the Saturday… Big day for us all. She… more than anyone else in my life has the most influence on my decisions… other than myself of course! It's important the right impression is made on her… if she doesn't like him… well quite simply he's gone!

Anyway… Saturday… Wales v England… me & JD out in Reading on the smash and The Bloke was meeting us just after KO… he was late… quite a bit late so JD and I were on our way to being a little bit smashed by the time he rocked up.

The Bloke isn't a big drinker… we are… he tried to play catch up... and well... basically we ruined him… destroyed by two girls… not good! We were back in the house by 11pm at the absolute latest… he was sick everywhere… the bathroom looked like a murder scene… he really was in a bad way. Not quite sure what actually finished him off… could've been anything… black, white or raspberry sambuca… the enormous quantities of Jeager Bombs or the pint of Vodka Coke I made him down as the bouncer was escorting us out of the pub for being rude to the barman hahaha! Whatever it was, it seemed to have been the start of the end.

Neither of us were very well on the Sunday... he was clearly a broken man particularly after a day on the Golf course. Me however... I went and did all again with the girls and had a funday Sunday with my ladies. Sunday night was a chilled out relaxed night in and Monday morning was the last I saw of him. He dropped me off at the train station on the way to work and I flew out to Copenhagen that evening for a few days.

He dumped me by text... it wasn't an outright 'you're dumped' text... we'd been chatting about an issue that we had and it turned into 'sorry welshy, but I can't see you again'. Gutted to say the least. We obviously talked about it when I got back but he firmly believes that despite his feelings for me 'the issue' will be a big problem for us and renders us incompatible.

Boo hoo Missy but really? Big deal I hear you all shouting. I've been bleating non-stop for the past year how I'm not ready or wanting a boyfriend... well that's kinda true until I met The Bloke. He made me genuinely smile when I thought about being in a relationship with him. I was happy to tell everyone about this wonderful guy that I'd met and he was my boyfriend (kindof).

I genuinely miss him. We've talked and text a few times since but he's still adamant that despite calling me the funniest and most genuine girl he'd ever met i deserved to have someone who was crazy about me and that just isn't him.


I can't say I'm not disappointed... obviously I am... JD reckons it's because we emasculated him so badly on the Rugby day... I've a fairly good idea he's talking sense and despite being brilliant together we're not compatible for the long haul. Shame.


Back to the drawing board...

It's always the same...

... the older we get the wiser we get surely? We stop making the same mistakes yah? Apparently not!


I've finally met up with a few chaps now from *dodgy fishing site* and so far so good. There's two that I like... and now... I'm torn... the good & the bad... 'The Bloke'... good... 'or... 'The Pilot'... bad! Why the pilot even gets consideration is baffling me but I'm hooked... and it's bugging me BIG TIME!


He plays a good game... just when I start to question whether he even likes me... he'll drop me a text and start a new game play... Foolishly I'll engage and it starts all over again.


He's affectionate until he remembers he's supposed to be The Cunt and not The Nice Guy... a facade he dons so well. The arrogant drops his guard... you can see he's lovely inside... this is why I like him... he's witty beyond the arrogance and so very very handsome... a smile so cheeky it just makes me giddy. He's the one you chase, knowing full well he'll break your heart...


Ahhh but then there's 'The Bloke'... he brings an instant smile to my face... there is nothing not to like about The Bloke... he's perfect... I like him... I like him a lot... BUT... I don't know what the but is... there's just a but... WHY? 
I love being with him... love talking to him... I'll even go as far as admitting I miss him a bit when he's not around. So why put all of that at risk for The Pilot who I'm pretty sure couldn't care less if he never saw me again? Fear of commitment? Maybe! Fear of falling in love and getting hurt? Probably... Most likely... that's how it usually works right? Someone that didn't deserve you last time fucks it up for the good one that comes next? The ex's final legacy to fuck you up forever! 


So I have a decision to make... The Pilot is away for the next three months... time to give me and The Bloke enough 'getting to know each other' time to decide exactly where this is going... he's an absolute gem... tomorrow I'm introducing him to my best friend JD and her boyfriend... we're going to get drunk watching the Wales v England rugby match... One Welsh... Three English... A GOOD DAY WILL BE HAD BY ALL :)

The List...

A friend of mine who is recently single & being fresh back on the dating scene emailed me the other week to share with me his stories of disastrous dates. The dating scene is killing him already. It's a grim place to be... single & dating... even worse... divorced & dating!

You're all fairly up to date with the disaster that is my life and it appears I'm not on my own. Most of my single friends are experiencing the same horror... dates turn up not resembling their profile photos... some are using photos 10yrs old... one turned up to meet Dave with an arse the size of Wales... turns out she'd only uploaded head shots! Some of them are just plain mental... they've had a hard time with an ex and need saving by their new fella... poor Dave... poor singletons. 

Desperate measures... cue a bit of organisation... Dave made a list!

The list is fairly comprehensive... he's not left much out... nothing wrong with having standards...

So his list got me to thinking about my list... I have a list... of course I have a list... I have a list for everything... my whole life is about lists... I am ridiculously anal about list making... often I'll write something on my list just so I can have the pleasure of marking it off... mental? Hell yeah!

This list of mine... I wrote it years ago. Long before Z-List and I think maybe even before Fiancee No.2. I think it was after a particularly disastrous encounter with some dodgy 'Monkey Doorman' from Swansea and my mother was fed up with my poor choices in men. My Mammy & I compiled the list together... she typed it up... laminated it & made purse sized copies for all of my friends. Mammy Welsh wants me married off!

And this is my list... compiled at the tender age of 22 maybe 23(ish)...

My requirements have changed somewhat over the years... different priorities now but standards are just the same.

I think it's time to compile a new list... Here goes...

• 5'11" or Taller... I'll sacrifice my heel collection for nobody
• Fit not Fat... You need to be a gym bunny or sports fanatic but do it naturally... Steroid users need not apply
• NO Kids... Sorry lads... I'm not budging on this one... I want my own before I play Mam to someone else's.
• Only a maximum of 5years older... 6 years younger :)
• Table Manners... Don't talk with your mouthful or take food from my plate... I WILL stab you with my fork!
• Good Oral Hygiene... It's not hard to brush your gnashers and swig a bit of mouthwash
• Personal Hygiene... Shower... Often
• Clean shaved... I can't stress the importance of a shaved chest, back, neck, shoulders and man garden... I am totally freaked out by body hair... my phobia will never go away.
• Animal Lover... My pooch is my life... I'd be lost without him and the cat... NEVER stick a peg on my cats tail... it makes us both mad!
• Drivers Licence and Own Car... I'm not your mum or a taxi service... If you're too dumb or drunk to drive... jog on!
• Witty... There's a difference between making a joke and laughing at one... if you're not funny... I'm not interested
• Have your own life... Do your own thing... Do it often and give me my space... I don't like cling-ons... Don't be needy... I'm a bitch when I feel smothered.
• Confidence... do not confuse this with arrogance... whilst its funny for you to be a cunt on times... tone it down when we're together... DON'T be a twat... nobody likes a twat!
• Intelligent... you don't need to have a Masters or PhD but a modicum of intelligence and ability to hold a conversation is desirable... even advantageous.
• Ambition... You don't need to be Alan Sugar but have the desire to be the very best in life at all times... if you are driven to succeed you will be successful
• Be clued up... know what's going on in the world... read the national paper... watch the news... take an interest... your small insular world is of no interest to anyone but yourself
• Don't be shallow or selfish... self-explanatory!
• Be honest... Liars have no place in my life... ever
• Be a demon in bed... there's always time to play.
• Treat me as I treat you... If I've got time for you then you've got a place in my heart... you are loved... don't abuse that... its precious.

So... there you go... the revised Missy's Love Interest Shopping List... what's the chances there's someone out there that fits the bill?

Auditions start week Wednesday... tweet me your CV for consideration

@Missy_Welsh x

Busted!

So I'm still fishing... just about... they really are a strange bunch of bellends...

Anyway... success has so far been limited as you'll know from my previous blog... I'm staying optimistic tho and I've been chatting to a few more potentials... but last week I got busted good & proper!


I've been chatting a fitty in the RAF that's recently moved to Reading. Friends in the area are limited as is his local knowledge... cue Missy's Travels and a friendly tour of the town centre, and their alcohol filled bars. Just my type... a little hairier than I'd normally go for but there's razors and wax strips that can sort that bad boy out ;)

Sadly... meeting up wasn't as spontaneous as I'd have liked... he had to go away with work for a week or so but we'd agreed to get in touch when he got back and that's how it was left.

In the meantime... I got bored... I'd saved a few fitties into my favourites but hadn't got in touch... feeling a bit cheeky I decided to message one smiler and the banter began... he's gorgeous... beautiful teeth and a really cheeky grin... he's also a pilot in the RAF... the banter was top notch and he oozed arrogance... which made him all the more appealing.

Turns out however... and in hindsight it was glaringly bloody obvious... Pilot and Smiler are friends!!! Not just friends... they're actual fucking flatmates... Oh Jeezus wept... just my luck!

So... where do we go from here? I'm told that the 'Bro Code' rules out a meet... gutted... but totally understood... us girls are just the same... never go with your mates men... they're out of bounds... forever!

We had a few flirty messages back & forth but I was clear that I wasn't going to meet either of them... it's not allowed... EVER!
So I was quite surprised to receive a message a few days later from Smiler telling me he'd chatted to his flatmate and Pilot1 has given Pilot2 the ok... fancy meeting this week?
WTF? Is this a test? They're testing me aren't they? If I say yes... I get blown out by both of them... If I say no... I don't get chance to ever meet either... Fuck it... Test or no test... I want to see those lovely teeth and I want a night on the lash with the smiley pilot. So I said YES... we texted... seriously LOVE this guys banter... he's sooooo incredibly cheeky... and I encouraged it even more... I really like a guy that can play the game... this is the type of guy I've been looking to meet. Hurrah... they do exist and not just in my head!!!

So we meet... both a bit tired from shitty day at work... there's no AMAZING meet & greet... he plays it cool... I think I did too. We went for a few drinks and Smiler doesn't come up for air... He really does like to talk about himself... this guy is the male version of me... and I'm slightly smitten. Tee hee!
Genuinely I don't think we said a nice word to each other all evening... I loved it... just like being out with my friends... I WANT... NEED... TO SEE THIS MAN AGAIN!
His arrogance was overwhelming... he kept me on my toes and he's a filthy little fucker to boot. If I was ready to be chasing down a man for a boyfriend I'd definitely be setting my sights on this one... but I'm not... sad times... can I make him my new best friend? I want this cheeky fucker in my life... he'll make weekends on the lash all the more fun!

Success at last... thank you *dodgy fishing site* :)