Love at first sight...

I wrote this a while back but didn't have the courage to post it... it's sat in my blog list unpublished for months and months and every day I look at it wondering if today will be the day that I post it. Today is definitely the day...

Have you ever met a man and literally gone completely gaga for him the second you set sight on him? Love at first sight? Maybe.
There have only ever been three men in my entire life that have rendered me speechless.

The first... was a lad from my home town in South Wales... he was tall, strong and beautiful and I fancied him so much. I would just stutter and be a complete mess around him... I never spoke to him... never had the courage. I would literally throw myself to the floor behind the bar when he came into the pub where I worked and avoid any contact with him altogether, he was to be admired from afar. I could never face having my heart broken by a man clearly out of my league.

The second was Z-List... I really did fall in love with him the second our eyes met. It had been a very long & drunken day in Cardiff watching International Rugby but the atmosphere was brilliant and we were all having such an amazing day. I couldn't talk to him, I just stared and when I caught his eye I'd look away hurriedly and blush. Not my style... not my style at all!
My friends were baffled and after an hour or so they intervened Primary School style...
My friend fancies you... She does?... Yeah she does.... Doesn't she have a boyfriend?.... Nope, So you better get in there quick!
And that was it... pushed together in an awkward conversation we quickly hit it off and spent all evening chatting. He walked me back to the train station at the end of the night and the very next weekend he drove back down to Cardiff to take me on a date.
We were inseparable and totally head over heels for each other. Four months later I'd packed in my job, put my house up for sale and moved to Southern England to be with the man of my dreams.
Sadly... and we all know it didn't end well... a little over 4years later we called it a day and I moved to my lovely little cottage in the middle of arse raping nowhere to lick my wounds. I didn't think there would ever be anyone that made me feel the way Z-List did, at least not as quickly as it all happened.

Rambo... Obviously not his real name... was... still is... everything that I want in a man... he's strong... beautiful (in looks and personality)... witty... funny... kind... considerate... the list is endless... He was also my best friends brother... perfect!
You see... in my head... he was the perfect male version of BestieV and I adored her therefore I'd adore him too. Makes sense in my head anyway.

I've been friends with BestieV for about three years... we met through Z-List and her ex boyfriend and bonded over stories of our delinquent dogs and love of Gin. Our friendship went from strength to strength and I counted my blessings to have made such a wonderfully trustworthy, honest and drunken mess of a friend. Someone who really understood that Saturday nights are for getting plastered and mooning the taxi ques when you're just too drunk to order your cheese & chips.

I was finally fortunate enough to meet Rambo at BestieV's 30th Birthday party... I had cheekily been hinting that I was going to make a move on him... I'd seen plenty of Facebook pictures and knew that I fancied him so I was really looking forward to finally getting to see him in the flesh. He wasn't there when I got to the house, he'd popped out to get ice so my guard was down, all of a sudden this man-mountain walks through the door and my legs just went. I disappeared quick as a flash into the living room and was mumbling some incoherent nonsense to my other BestieJD about just how beautiful he was and OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD he's sooo lovely... can't go in there!
All of a sudden I've gone from Sex Bomb to Exploded Bomb, the 15year old insecure me back again and I'm struggling to make any sense of what the hell is going on in my head.

It actually took intervention to get us together... BestieV and her Fiancee had to pull us together for an introduction and a handshake and after a very quickly consumed two pints of Cider I had the courage to start the flirt. It all worked perfectly and I was hooked. The next few days were filled with messages of loveliness and the prospect of having a wonderful few days together before he went back out to sea. I was so ahead of myself I didn't recognise this new me. I was planning every second of his time back in the UK between jobs and looking so very much to being the new girlfriend of the man of my dreams... Dreams I never knew I had!

At this point it's really important to point out to any of you that don't know me that I'm not the marrying kind. I've no desire ever to be someones wife... unlikely I ever will. This is why I've been engaged twice and both engagements haven't got as far as a celebration party. Commitment in the form of submission and a new name isn't my thing... I like my own space... and the older I get the more I crave my own space. Odd seeing as I gave up my singledom so quickly for Z-List and ironic that he's the only boyfriend I was desperate to marry yet never got as far as the others thought they could. This is why Rambo really knocked me for six... he was supposed to be a cheeky fling... nothing more... yet all of a sudden I was happier than I'd been in years and dreaming of being a wife and a mother. WTF? Only one guy has ever made me feel like that and I was still devastated that he wasn't in my life anymore. I knew I was being completely erratic, I knew nothing of Rambo really, I had merely created this perfect person in my head based on BestieV and their obvious similarities. What scared me most was that I could quite obviously put myself in that vulnerable situation yet again to be hurt by someone that doesn't reciprocate the feelings.

Our romance was short lived... turned out (yet again) that there was an ex-girlfriend back on the scene and she wanted her major share of Rambo... OF COURSE SHE DID... HE'S AMAZING!
....Oh and her... early twenties, blonde, petite, stunning... no contest!

So I'm back to dating... not looking for a relationship... just a bit of fun... because I'm safe that way... I won't fall in love again thus minimising the risk of getting hurt like I did with Z-List or Rambo... x

Unleashing the mental...

Usually I can keep my 'mental' under wraps for at least a month or two, but apparently when it comes to 'TheFitBuilder' it all goes out the window... two weeks I lasted... two bloody weeks!

So this guy messaged me on *dodgy fishing site* a fortnight ago and we've been chatting ever since. We've been texting & chatting and were planning on meeting this weekend for our first date. I'm getting nervous and pretty flippin excited about meeting him but after today I doubt I'll get the chance.

Well done Missy... thumbs up!

So each morning just as my alarm is going off or I'm pulling up outside the gym, regular as clockwork I get my morning text from 'TheFitBuilder' wishing me a Good Morning. I'll send him a reply and then we'll text again around lunch time.

Today, I had a lie in... I didn't wake up until 9.30ish but he had text me first thing as usual and I text him back when I woke.

Later on, say about lunch time I dropped him a text saying the following:
"Right then... As we've now entered the week we're actually going to meet I'm starting to freak out a bit. I don't know anything about you or vice versa. Panic! It's all been a bit cheeky the whole time and a bit odd that I know what your knob looks like before I know what colour eyes you've got. Maybe we should be trying to find out a few things about one another. What ya think?"

By 7.30pm I'd still not heard from him and I'd started to get in a massive flap. To be fair, my iphone hasn't helped the situation today. I had to do a bloody reset on it and load everything back onto it from backup. My signal has been piss poor all day and whilst I've been staring at the screen waiting for a reply all I've seen is NO SERVICE raaaahhhhh!!!

Obviously none of the above is mental... a little weird I may have a photo of his willy but nothing mental. So where's the mental then Miss? Ah well here you go...

I was chatting to my good friend Brown Bear catching up on a couple of weeks worth of goings on and I told him all about TheFitBuilder, the text and the fact he'd not replied. Egged on by Bear I was encouraged to resend the message exactly as it was the first time and then send it again a third time immediately after the second. This obviously ensures that the message is received and... if he did get it the first time he'll then think that the phone has been a bit odd and sent the message lots of times thus releasing me off the hook for being a complete basket case.

I've not heard from him... I don't think I'll hear from him again... I think I've blown it... I'm clearly MENTAL!

Although this behaviour is commonly accepted by my friends... I need to understand and LEARN that it's not understood by strangers.
My friends love me... they've known about and experienced my mental on several occasions and sometimes I think its what they love about me most but apparently its not such an attractive quality in a girlfriend... WEIRD!

So... another potential bites the dust... do I dare log back on to *dodgy fishing site*? Eeesh... not sure I can face it.

I need a new plan!

Matt Cooper...

Well well well... who'd have thought that *dodgy fishing site* would have the likes of international rugby stars like the adonis Matt Cooper on there? Not me that's for sure.

Now here's the odd thing, he is; or at least there is some idiotic goon posing as him. It's not just photos of the beautiful man-baby but a full on write up about how he's made the move from Australia to London & having given up rugby & retrained to be a hedge fund manager... WTF? Matt Cooper dealing in hedge funds...? He played a good game of rugby & now models his perfect body to earn the dollars. Oh and what a perfect body it is!

It was late at night and I was still awake when I got a message from Matt1979 asking if I wanted to chat. Of course reading through his profile (however beautiful and exciting the prospect of talking to such a GOD) it was fairly obvious immediately that it was an imposter *cries uncontrollably*. I replied but the conversation was short lived and by morning all trace of Matt1979 had vanished. No messages in sent or inbox and no profile to be found. Had I been blocked or did he just bin it for obvious reasons?

Hmmm, sadly my head has been turned yet again to the muscly, tattooed, rugby playing man babies.

Would the real Matt Cooper please step forward...? I think I love you x

Catch of the day

Well here we go again... another day of catching dodgy fish.

I still haven’t heard from Fitty Rugby Bloke, he is blatantly ignoring me and I’m very confused as to why. I’ve re-read through the messages To & From and there’s absolutely nothing that makes any sense as to why he’s not responded. What a knob! I’m quite a lot gutted *sob*

But let’s not dwell on it for too long... time to move on eh! I’ve told you about ToyBoy, I thought actually I wouldn’t hear from him again. I had expected him to be just the same as HotGuy and Fitty Rugby Bloke but *surprise* he only messaged me first thing this morning suggesting some places. I’m still not going to hold my breath for a meet, I reckon he’ll either go all shy on me like the rest or I’ll get stood up but I’m trying  to be optimistic as best I can.

There is also a further progress report... I have swapped numbers with the chap from Essex... he’s enormous... like an actual man mountain... a mountain made of man... I shall name him Guns due to the size of his arms... they are MAHOOSIVE! He’s a real sweetie though, he texts me all day long and says quite lovely things and asks lots of questions and none of it weird or perverse. He seems lovely and actually very genuine, I think I’ll have to step it up and make an actual phone call to him next week just to check he sounds normal and he’s not a complete dim wit. His spelling is good, that’s a start isn’t it?

I’ve ignored the Ginger Bellend, he messaged me again this evening with a polite ‘Hello’ type message but I just wanted to plant my fist through the screen as soon as I saw his red fuzzy face *blocks ScotchEggBalls immediately* I’m still very mad grrrrr!

SHAMLESS PLUG: I’m also quite impressed & touched with the wonderful tweets & Facebook messages I’m getting from you all about how much you enjoy reading my blog. Thank you. I’m pretty sure I’ve rectified the comments issue and you should now be able to leave a comment directly under the blog post, please do leave a comment. I would love to know who reads this besides my friends and hear what you think of it. I’d also really appreciate you telling everyone about my blog and passing the link around for everyone to read. Thank you all, keep reading, keep laughing x

Reeling in the fish....

Wowzers what a difference a day makes!

Today I uploaded three more photos to my profile and goodness me my Inbox has been full all day. They're not rude or suggestive photos, just me at Reading Festival this summer and one at the races from August when we went to see Tom Jones. The races photo is a bit booby, I let the *girls* out for the day and well it's clear that they attract attention lol

I built up the courage to ask out the Fitty rugby player that I've been chatting to. We were chatting again this afternoon and talking about going to the same rugby game in February so I sent him a message asking him if he wanted to meet and .....................................................
NOTHING! Not a bloody word. WTF? I really don't understand here, am I confusing the purpose of this site? Do men really want to spend hours on end typing fruitlessly to women they don't know online and then not meet them when they have the chance?!?!?!?!?!

So anyway, while I was impatiently waiting for my reply from Fitty Rugby Bloke I messaged another hottie never actually expecting a response, but hey ho would you believe he replied straight back.
I spent an hour or so chatting to him, he made me laugh (alot) and again I found myself with a date invitation... although I'm under no illusions that this is a 'play-date' and not a 'romance date'. He's a cheeky little bugger... 24yrs old and he asked me if he'd be my toy-boy... I suppose he would be really wouldn't he. They all would. I'm going after the youngsters, I think that's part of embracing my Dirty Thirties is to just chase guys younger than me. I've never done that, they've always been older and quite frankly it doesn't work in my favour.

So...I've agreed to meet my ToyBoy...where and when undecided as yet. He lives in Manchester, he's keen to come to *Smalltown* which again I think is a bit weird.
I'll keep you posted how that goes...

In the process of chatting to ToyBoy I received several more messages from a few other potentials. One of them seems a real cutie and we've agreed to meet in a couple of weeks when we've both got a free day. He's not been suggestive or forward at all, was very polite and very sweet so I'm looking forward to meeting this one aswell.

Another that I've been chatting to this evening is not at all my usual type but had something about him that I thought I'd reply and have a little chat...see how it goes.
He's 26 and Ginger...like proper Ginger...he's even got facial hair...I'm massively freaked out by facial hair...but I thought sod it...my best friend loves the Gingers and she's always telling me I should get involved so I did.
Messages were all very polite, bit of banter and then I got this....
         Can i just say you look great for your age! No joke I thought you were 23,24. You look great.

Is he fucking real? Like actually for fucking real? Who the hell does he think I am? Nancy Fucking Dellolio? I'm thirty not fucking forty or fifty, four bastard years older than that ginger bearded tosser and I'm being told I look great for my age....FUCK OFF...YOU MASSIVE BELLEND!
I shan't be replying to that one. I'll let him work it out for himself. With a bit of luck someone might smack him in the teeth along the way.

So I'm off to bed now, a bit sweary and ranty but my fingers are crossed for a reply from Fitty Rugby Bloke tomorrow. I'm keen to hear from him, I liked talking to him & would be keen to meet up, but we'll see if that actually works out.

Nighty night folks...sweet dreams...come back tomorrow x

The Early Bird may catch the Worm...

...but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese!

I messaged a fitty I saw on *FishyWebsite* yesterday and oddly he replied... I say oddly because actually I'm not having that much luck so far. The guys I'm liking aren't liking me back, it's not something I'm used to and if anything has given the 'ol confidence a bit of a knock.
It's a harsh world online dating, I'm still not sure how I feel about it all but we'll see how it goes with the latest fitty before I make a decision.

It sounds promising but then so did the conversation with HotGuy... Can I take you on a date?... yeah ok, when? ... Hello?... Hello?... Where the hell have you gone?
I messaged HotGuy last night... just on the off chance that my message with date plans had got 'lost' in cyberspace but he completely ignored me *stinger*, I won't make that mistake again!

So anyway... back to Fittie... his banter is good and I really fancy him... I'm looking forward to chatting to him again & hopefully we'll get to meet soon. He's BIG into his rugby, not just a fan but also a player and of a bloody good standard too YEY!

Keep your fingers crossed for me, I'm hedging my bets on this one. But if it does all go tits up then at least lets pray for a gentle let down rather than a downright ignore *rude*.

Fish & Cheese

So fishing & cheese...the two don't really go together but I've experienced the both in huge quantities today.

This site is hilarious, honest to God I don't know where these men are in the real world. Genuinely they're mental or at least the ones that message me.

I had the real fortune of bagging a real winner this morning. This was my message...

I don't imagine a generous 57 year old married man would be of any interest to you for a while.... lol ... or would he

Unsurprisingly I haven't responded but I did have a look at his profile which states in his write-up that he's a travelling businessman looking for a discreet bunk-up and in no way looking for any commitment... Oh yeah and his wife is frigid! I kid you not, it's what it actually said.
Oh dear Lord!

I've not heard anything from HotGuy even tho he's blatantly online... so I guess telling him I wouldn't be staying overnight on our first meeting was definitely what put him off...how odd!

I'm tempted to sack off the whole fishing experience but if nothing else I'm getting a good giggle and it's something to write about.

Enjoy the disaster that is my life... x

Fishing...day.?

OMIGOD.... I'm not having much luck with this online dating nonsense. Good grief there are some utter scandalous weirdos out there, it's all very worrying.

Since I wrote & posted a profile detailing myself the messages have dwindled somewhat... no surprise really... I think a lot of men are threatened by an attractive woman with a brain. Unfortunately the messages I am getting are still majorly based on looks and you know they've not read a single word I've typed, just had a sneaky pervy peek at my photos and sent me some unimaginative message entitled Hi... yawn!

Some have made me laugh and some have just made me recoil in complete horror.

One guys profile was so full of self-confidence that I messaged him just to see if I fitted the bill as a 'fox'... it appears I do not... sad times!
I'm not surprised though, he likes a girly girl, petite, blonde etc etc. I think a Cider swigging, rugby fanatic would be his worst nightmare hahahaha!

I would have given up by now but there is one guy that's caught my eye... we've been chatting for a couple of days... his banter is good and his pictures show he's a complete fitty... just my type and as an added bonus... he's 6'3" BOOM!

He asked me on a date... kindof... well I'm not sure if he did exactly or if it was some 'down with the kids' gentlemanly way of asking me for a one night stand. It's all so terribly complicated isn't it!

The conversation went a bit like this... (I've cut out the boring bits)...
HotGuy (not his actual user name): So what do you do for a living?
Me: I'm a full-time student, youth-worker and I work in a shop
HotGuy: Wow that's impressive... so it's going to be hard to pin you down for a date then?
Me: Well... I'm off Uni until end of Jan so I'm free this month but then it's gets a bit sticky until mid Feb & then Easter. I've obviously got a few days off in between but I work some really crappy shifts so it gets difficult on times to make a plan. I do drive tho... wouldn't actually expect you drive to *small town*... bit far... meet u half-way?
Hot Guy: No, I don't mind driving to yours! I can find a hotel and crash there. Hows that sound? x
Me: Sounds scary... *small town* isn't anything spectacular... U sure u wouldn't like to meet in London or somewhere fun?
HotGuy: Its totally your call! x
Me: I think we would have a more memorable time away from *small town*. I'm worried that you'll drive all this way and not have a very good time. Is it easy for you to get into London? It doesn't have to be London of course, could be anywhere else... just not *small town*.
When are you thinking anyway? Weekday or Weekend? I work Saturdays until 6pm but I'm always off on a Sunday x
HotGuy: Weekend, maybe a Friday? You gonna go home or gonna stay in London? Whens your last train?
Me: (At this point I'm in utter panic)... I work until 8pm on Fridays... told you I worked crappy shifts... sorry :(
I work Thu, Fri & Sat... free all day every other day up to the 30th
Do you mind if I don't stay? My housemate moves out next week so I'm stuck for a dog sitter until I find someone new to move in.
It's all a lot more complicated than it should be, sorry.
If you fancy an evening thing then trains run frequently until late so there's plenty of time and Sunday trains run frequently until late also x

And that's it... not a word since... two days I've been waiting for a reply... he's been online... I can see that much... and it's at this point I remember just how much I despise the dating scene... URGH!

Today is the 6th of January... It's the start of a new year, new beginings etc etc blah blah blah


It was on January 5th 2011 that I ended my four year relationship with 'Z-List' and how quickly the year has flown by.


I've moved house, completed a college course & started University; I got made redundant from one job and promoted in the other.  It's sufficient to say that 2011 was a busy busy year. I kept my head together as best as I could but as the year wound down and I faced the unavoidable turning thirty I quickly went into complete meltdown. 


Turns out being thirty isn't that bad... I'm still me... I still get ID'd for alcohol in M&S and I can still drink a truckload on a Saturday night and not die of a hangover all day Sunday... BOOM!

Anyway... one year on here I am. I'm happier than I've been in years... looking pretty good and surrounded by a whole bunch of top friends. 2012 is going to be a cracking year... I can't bloody wait to see what's in-store.

P.S. There may be a date on the cards... turns out there's some dishy fish on that dodgy site afterall. I'll keep you updated x

Happy New Year...

It's a New Year and in my head that means a fresh start, leaving all the misery and heartache of 2011 behind me and looking forward to a better year.

I went out last night with friends and what a good night it was. My dear lovely friends who are so special to me were the first people I saw this year and that's something I'll remember for such a long time. I can remember every NY celebration so far so I know last night will be banked in the memory for years to come. Thank you Lils & Dave for being such a cracking couple and such fantastic friends.

Here's a toast to my friends, a massive thank you to you all for being so incredibly wonderful and supportive. I have absolutely no idea how I can convey to you just how special you all are to me. Long may our friendship continue into this new year and for many more to come xXx