Love at first sight...

I wrote this a while back but didn't have the courage to post it... it's sat in my blog list unpublished for months and months and every day I look at it wondering if today will be the day that I post it. Today is definitely the day...

Have you ever met a man and literally gone completely gaga for him the second you set sight on him? Love at first sight? Maybe.
There have only ever been three men in my entire life that have rendered me speechless.

The first... was a lad from my home town in South Wales... he was tall, strong and beautiful and I fancied him so much. I would just stutter and be a complete mess around him... I never spoke to him... never had the courage. I would literally throw myself to the floor behind the bar when he came into the pub where I worked and avoid any contact with him altogether, he was to be admired from afar. I could never face having my heart broken by a man clearly out of my league.

The second was Z-List... I really did fall in love with him the second our eyes met. It had been a very long & drunken day in Cardiff watching International Rugby but the atmosphere was brilliant and we were all having such an amazing day. I couldn't talk to him, I just stared and when I caught his eye I'd look away hurriedly and blush. Not my style... not my style at all!
My friends were baffled and after an hour or so they intervened Primary School style...
My friend fancies you... She does?... Yeah she does.... Doesn't she have a boyfriend?.... Nope, So you better get in there quick!
And that was it... pushed together in an awkward conversation we quickly hit it off and spent all evening chatting. He walked me back to the train station at the end of the night and the very next weekend he drove back down to Cardiff to take me on a date.
We were inseparable and totally head over heels for each other. Four months later I'd packed in my job, put my house up for sale and moved to Southern England to be with the man of my dreams.
Sadly... and we all know it didn't end well... a little over 4years later we called it a day and I moved to my lovely little cottage in the middle of arse raping nowhere to lick my wounds. I didn't think there would ever be anyone that made me feel the way Z-List did, at least not as quickly as it all happened.

Rambo... Obviously not his real name... was... still is... everything that I want in a man... he's strong... beautiful (in looks and personality)... witty... funny... kind... considerate... the list is endless... He was also my best friends brother... perfect!
You see... in my head... he was the perfect male version of BestieV and I adored her therefore I'd adore him too. Makes sense in my head anyway.

I've been friends with BestieV for about three years... we met through Z-List and her ex boyfriend and bonded over stories of our delinquent dogs and love of Gin. Our friendship went from strength to strength and I counted my blessings to have made such a wonderfully trustworthy, honest and drunken mess of a friend. Someone who really understood that Saturday nights are for getting plastered and mooning the taxi ques when you're just too drunk to order your cheese & chips.

I was finally fortunate enough to meet Rambo at BestieV's 30th Birthday party... I had cheekily been hinting that I was going to make a move on him... I'd seen plenty of Facebook pictures and knew that I fancied him so I was really looking forward to finally getting to see him in the flesh. He wasn't there when I got to the house, he'd popped out to get ice so my guard was down, all of a sudden this man-mountain walks through the door and my legs just went. I disappeared quick as a flash into the living room and was mumbling some incoherent nonsense to my other BestieJD about just how beautiful he was and OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD he's sooo lovely... can't go in there!
All of a sudden I've gone from Sex Bomb to Exploded Bomb, the 15year old insecure me back again and I'm struggling to make any sense of what the hell is going on in my head.

It actually took intervention to get us together... BestieV and her Fiancee had to pull us together for an introduction and a handshake and after a very quickly consumed two pints of Cider I had the courage to start the flirt. It all worked perfectly and I was hooked. The next few days were filled with messages of loveliness and the prospect of having a wonderful few days together before he went back out to sea. I was so ahead of myself I didn't recognise this new me. I was planning every second of his time back in the UK between jobs and looking so very much to being the new girlfriend of the man of my dreams... Dreams I never knew I had!

At this point it's really important to point out to any of you that don't know me that I'm not the marrying kind. I've no desire ever to be someones wife... unlikely I ever will. This is why I've been engaged twice and both engagements haven't got as far as a celebration party. Commitment in the form of submission and a new name isn't my thing... I like my own space... and the older I get the more I crave my own space. Odd seeing as I gave up my singledom so quickly for Z-List and ironic that he's the only boyfriend I was desperate to marry yet never got as far as the others thought they could. This is why Rambo really knocked me for six... he was supposed to be a cheeky fling... nothing more... yet all of a sudden I was happier than I'd been in years and dreaming of being a wife and a mother. WTF? Only one guy has ever made me feel like that and I was still devastated that he wasn't in my life anymore. I knew I was being completely erratic, I knew nothing of Rambo really, I had merely created this perfect person in my head based on BestieV and their obvious similarities. What scared me most was that I could quite obviously put myself in that vulnerable situation yet again to be hurt by someone that doesn't reciprocate the feelings.

Our romance was short lived... turned out (yet again) that there was an ex-girlfriend back on the scene and she wanted her major share of Rambo... OF COURSE SHE DID... HE'S AMAZING!
....Oh and her... early twenties, blonde, petite, stunning... no contest!

So I'm back to dating... not looking for a relationship... just a bit of fun... because I'm safe that way... I won't fall in love again thus minimising the risk of getting hurt like I did with Z-List or Rambo... x